Tired of School

I recently discovered that there were quite a few people, likely young men, who search the web in an effort to learn how to grow a beard…and do it quickly. What is so special about growing a beard? It’s a right of passage. Even if all you have are five long hairs growing off your chin…you are a manly man because you have a beard. I was endowed with epic beard-growing properties myself and I grow one every winter so I don’t have to shave in cold weather. So, to help the inexperienced among us I present:

HOW TO GROW A BEARD:

Stage 1: The beginning: All you have to do is to stop shaving. Do it at the very beginning of a vacation or at least at the start of a weekend so you get a couple days’ head start before the next stage begins.

Stage 2: The interrogation: Everyone and their second cousins will be asking you if you are growing a beard. Always give a response that makes them feel stupid or else they will keep asking you this over and over. Say something like “No, I have a highly contagious rash and the doctors told me not to shave for a while.”

Stage 3: The itching: You can expect to spend about 2 weeks itching your face. Use your fingernails, use your pencil, use your eating utensils, none of it will help…you just keep itching.

Stage 4: In-grown hair: Yes, the joy of carrying around a bush on your face is that you will get the occasional in-grown hair. Take it like a man.

Stage 5: Wild bush man: Yes you finally did it, you grew a beard. But you don’t look like Kenny Rogers or ZZ Top just yet.

Stage 6: Taming the beast: It’s now time to take the clipper to the hedge and make yourself presentable. You could go for the Commander Riker or the Sigmund Freud. Just get it under control soon or you may scare away your friends and family.

Stage 7: The ‘stash: About four months after you get the beard going you’ll have a moment of weakness and decide that you’d really look sophisticated with a moustache.

Stage 8: The end: About 2 minutes after finishing stage seven you realize that you aren’t one of those guys who can sport the upper lip canopy and it gets cut off as well. Welcome back to the land of the clean shaven.